Going Nowhere, Doing Nothing

He wanted to be in control of something.

So much of his life seemed to be out of his influence his desires overcompensated.

He felt he could direct large groups of people. Teach them, lead them, set them at tasks and help them reap the results. Not that he had much experience at such, but he had the mindset. It didn't take him long to figure out other people's strengths and weaknesses, ways of highlighting the former and shoring up the latter. He didn't let sentiment and emotions cloud his judgement of such things, seeing all to clearly the failings of those he felt near and dear to. Not that he would point out such, except perhaps in broad anonymous strokes, that people could agree or disagree to without reaction from him.

People, he felt, needed to be lead. Needed to be shown a broader perspective. How their contributions added to the whole. He thought a lot of that was lacking in his life. Nobody had really shown him much that seemed to apply to him. Their teachings and examples seemed too far removed from what he could accomplish. Consequently he felt their paths were too generic and flat. He failed at respecting their course, except in the most perfunctory of acknowledgements.

They seemed to lack the individual touch, glossing over the differences in people that he felt should be the highlight of any real accomplishment. He needed an edge to sharpen himself against, but only found blobby ideas and vague feedback instead.

He couldn't find any 'gears' in their ideas to motivate himself any more. Increasingly, their by the book and over-repeated approach was being vomited out by his mind. It seemed inadequate to address some of his more serious concerts, as well as his more unorthodox methods. He found it hard to find the whole experience anything other than disappointing, bordering on depressing.